REVISITING THE PAST

A Tale of Yearning Through Letters

April 17, 2020

To: J

Hi. I know it’s been a while. How have you been? I miss you, and I tried texting you a while back. I’m sure you’re busy, so I understand if you just haven’t gotten around to responding. You were always really responsive though, so I figured you might have changed your number. I got your address from Amy. I hope you don’t mind.

I feel like I’m rambling a bit. I’ll tell you about what I’ve been up to recently. I’ve gone on a lot of long walks. There’s this small park near my house that I’m exploring, and I found a small lake hidden near the woods in the back with a bench nearby. I like to wander through the trails in the woods and take a break on the bench before heading back to the car. The water’s really pretty with the reflection of all the trees. It’s quite calming.

Nowadays, I’m always feeling anxious about something, so I suppose the walks are a way of escaping from the chaos of life. I hate being alone with my thoughts, so I’ll usually listen to music.

Speaking of which, you might remember my on-again, off-again relationship with music. I’m happy to say I’ve actually been practicing regularly for the past few months. I picked up the guitar (again), and I’m learning that song “Strawberry,” the one you recommended by that Paul guy. Once I get the hang of it, I don’t think it’ll be too difficult since it’s pretty repetitive. It’s also relaxing and takes my mind off of everything. I think I’m just trying to avoid dealing with a lot of things right now, but then again, who doesn’t feel that way right now?

Anyways, hopefully this reaches you. What have you been up to recently? I remember you mentioned you were thinking about grad school a while back. Did you end up applying? Oh, have you added any more plants to your collection? I hope you’re doing well. I’d love to hear back from you.

-C

April 22, 2020

Dear C,

Hello! I can’t tell you how excited I was when I saw your letter. I did change my number, and I also ended up losing a lot of my contacts when I got a new phone around the same time. I always forget to back up my stuff. I would have told you, but I wasn’t really sure how to reach you at that point.

I know you’re probably going to say no, but you should really think about joining social media — it would be useful for these types of situations! Anyways, I’m putting my new number on the other slip of paper. I have to say, I’m on my screen way too much now, and writing letters is very therapeutic. I’d be down to keep doing this.

The park sounds so nice! I really need to go out more nowadays, but I’ve already gotten bored of walking around my neighborhood. It also doesn’t help that the closest park is a twenty-minute drive from my house, and everyone here seems to go there on the weekends. I guess it makes sense, but I’ll probably just stick to my neighborhood for now.

I can relate to the feeling of not wanting to be alone with my constant worries. I’ve been talking to people often to avoid dwelling on those thoughts. That’s actually one good thing that’s come out of all of this chaos — I’ve been reconnecting with a lot of people that I’ve drifted apart from over the years (including you)! Some of the conversations have been kind of surface level, though...

Video calls just aren’t the same. I really miss going out with friends and being around lots of people. I get the sense you probably don’t feel the same way.

I’ve still been dressing up every day, though. It’s always fun to mix and match pieces, and it makes me feel like things are a little more normal. I went thrifting recently and got some cute pants! What else... Oh, I haven’t started my baking phase yet, but I’ve been experimenting with some new recipes. I made a tomato stew last weekend; it was too salty, so I might give it another shot soon.

I do remember you trying to learn the guitar! You sounded really good back then. Probably not happening anytime soon, but if we get the chance to meet up in the future, I would love to hear it. Strawberry’s always been one of my favorite songs.

Grad school... yeah, not quite. I had some second thoughts about it, so I ended up going into consulting. It pays well, but it’s not my dream job. I’ve been thinking about applying to grad schools again lately, so we’ll see. I’ll probably stay here for now since it’s stable. What about you? You were pretty set on med school, right?

This ended up being a lot longer than I expected. Oops! It’s been way too long. Speaking of which, I’ve been wondering about this for a while: why did you stop talking to me? Sorry to end this on a downer, but it was really nice hearing from you! I will be eagerly awaiting your response (via text or snail mail).

Cheers!

J

May 3, 2020

Hi J,

Sorry for taking so long to respond (You know I’ve always been the worst at that). I’m definitely down to keep writing letters; it’s always so exciting to receive physical mail. Oh boy, we’re already at that stage. Excited about mail. Yikes.

I will say, I have seriously considered social media multiple times, but it just doesn’t seem necessary? I don’t know, I feel like for anyone I genuinely want to talk to, I probably have their phone number. Surface-level conversations are terrible, but all conversations have to start somewhere. The worst is when a conversation just feels stagnant; you know, when you run out of things to say after the first five minutes. That’s why I’ve always loved talking to you.

Conversations have always been such a struggle for me, but with you it’s effortless. And yeah, you’re right; I can’t say that I particularly miss going out with large groups of people. I have to agree with you about the video calls though. It’s nice being able to talk to my friends, but I can’t wait until the day I can see everyone in person again. It’s going to feel so surreal.

You always wore the cutest outfits, and I have no doubt that the pants are going to be an excellent addition to your wardrobe. Personally, I’ve pretty much been wearing the same clothes every day. Also, it’s funny you mention your cooking adventures because guess who’s in a baking phase? Yup. I’ve made so much bread recently it’s kind of alarming. Very tasty though.

You’re too sweet, and yes, someday when we can see each other in person, I’ll play it just for you. I’ve gotten the hang of most of the song, so I’m working on making it sound cleaner now.

Makes sense about grad school, it’s definitely a big commitment. And look at you adulting at a big consulting company. Congrats on the job! I was quite set on med school, but I decided to take a gap year. I’ve been doing some research and getting more clinical experience. Happy to say that the application process went well, and it looks like I’ll probably be coming back to the west coast later this year. Maybe we can meet up then if things are better with the pandemic.

Alright. As for your question: first off, I want you to know that it wasn’t your fault. And second, I’m really sorry. I was going through a lot at the time, and it was easier to just ignore you. Afterward, I was scared to reach out again. I’m not exactly the most confrontational person. I wish I had a better answer, but I don’t. I’m sorry for doing that to you. I’m surprised you even responded to my first letter, to be honest.

Best,

C

May 11, 2020

Hey C!

Of course I would respond. You were my best friend. And we’ve been friends long enough for me to know when you’re hiding something. I remember exactly when we stopped talking — I have a feeling that I probably did do something, even if it wasn’t intentional. What happened?

On a completely unrelated note, congrats on med school! That’s so exciting! Where is it? Do you know when you’re moving? I would absolutely love to meet up if we get the chance. If you’re close enough, you can come by my place during weekends when you have some time (or come visit during a break), and I can show you around where I’m living. I broke up with my boyfriend near the end of last year — he moved out, so it’s just me here for the time being. It feels almost too quiet and empty sometimes, so it would be nice to have someone visit!

I know exactly what you mean about stagnant conversations. I’ve stopped talking to some people recently because we started to run out of things to talk about. I suppose that’s why I was so eager to respond to your letter. I was really upset when you started ignoring me last year, but I could talk to you for hours about anything. It’s really nice. I’ve missed you.

Write back soon!

J

May 14, 2020

Dear J,

Yeah, you’re right. I’m including a separate letter, but to answer your other questions: I’m not moving until July, but I am planning on coming to visit the school in about two weeks! I’m also planning on stopping by LA beforehand, so... any chance I could crash at your place for a week? (I literally haven’t left my house in two months except for the occasional walk or errand, but if you’re not comfortable, no worries.)

I’ve been so bored recently that I’ve actually started to clean my room and try organizing my closet. It’s surprisingly more interesting than I expected to dig through my old stuff, but I also get distracted very easily. I found a couple of things that reminded me of you, so I’m including some photos in the envelope as well. My personal favorite is the teddy bear; I remember you giving him a ridiculous name. He’s the best; I always keep him next to my pillow.

I also found a scarf that was hanging in the back of my closet. I don’t think I’ve ever worn it, but it looks so cute. I figured you might be interested in it; I think it would go well with your outfits. Let me know what you think.

I think it’s probably better if I tell you in person, but I’ll try to explain part of it. First off, it is kind of related to something that you did. I’m sure you remember Alex’s party; I promise it wasn’t your fault, but after that night, I was very confused about a lot of things. I needed some time to myself, and by the time I felt more myself, I didn’t know what to say to you or how to explain it all. You know I’m not the best with confrontation, and I tend to avoid problems rather than deal with them.

You were definitely drunk, so I don’t know how much you remember. I was in the kitchen getting water for both of us when you came up behind me and told me that you had a crush on me. I think you also tried to kiss me. For obvious reasons, the feelings weren’t immediately mutual.

If it had just been you having a crush on me, I wouldn’t have stopped talking to you. The problem was how confused I felt afterward. Long story short, you’re the reason I realized I wasn’t straight. I never thought I would be into girls. By the time I finished having an existential crisis, it had already been a few weeks since I stopped talking to you, so I idiotically came to the conclusion that avoidance was the best strategy. So yeah, it was basically just me being a dumbass.

Missing you,

C

May 19, 2020

Hello hello,

You are a dumbass — but also, sorry (again) for giving you an existential crisis. Since we already talked for hours, I don’t think there’s any point in making this longer than necessary. It was so nice finally hearing your voice again! We should call more often.

I’m looking forward to seeing you, and I’ll text you some details so that it’s more convenient. I can’t wait!

Oh, also, there’s only one bed here, so I’ll take the couch. Con- sider it my amends for the existential crisis. Don’t bother arguing with me until you get here. Stay healthy, and safe travels.

See you soon!

J

Words: Nicole Ru

Photos: Samhita Sen